2007-10-08 - 10:11 p.m.

so. my sister is very depressed again.

she started cutting herself. again.

just when those 3 weeks for her work hiatus were up and she was gonna go back to work. but nope. so.. i dunno. she's prolly jobless. not many people understand mental health. i suppose im one of them.

i don't understand her mood swings. my grandparents gave us both 500 bucks. for school, for doing something good and a little fun on the side. im happy about it, any little bit helps. she fucken threw a tantrum. thought she doesnt need their charity. and didnt think she was worth 500 bucks and all this stuff.

like.. whoa. she was freaking. screaming. crying loud. i got annoyed and left.
i dunno what to do. she did this when i left for PEI. i got the phone calls from home telling me all about how she was in an institution. she apparentlky doesnt wanna go back, but why bother telling my mom ur cutting yourself, again.
if u tell someone something likle that, its a ccry for help. befor e my sister hid them. but now, she did it and told my mom right away.
my sister has no friends
evan abanndoned her. no one called her to see how she was doing. she doesnt have n e body.
her high school "friends" ditched her when they thought she was crazy from being in an institution. evan stuck by her, and now.. wow.. he's a fucking coward.

so. i dunno. those incidences of abanndonment brought up some kinda shitty feelings with her. me leaving to PEI, evan breaking up with her. no friends calling her/to call.
i wunder what the underlying issue is.
my mom is a fucking wreck over it. saying she cant go through it again.
but i told her, it will be different this time because i am now home. they dont have to go thru it alone. im here.

i dunno.
my sister keeps wondering why evan is doing that to her, he knows she's depressed. and this is where i don't understand mental health. i dont like that excuse. depression shouldnt be a reason to stay with someone. hurting urself will not make them come back.
and u should never fucking to that to keep them trapped in it.

i really don't like my sister right now and it upsets me that i can say that.
i mean, i can judge it. i judge my mom and how she couldnt just have ONE day to come down and see her in-laws. they arnt doing well and my dad was there for her when her mom died. see that, i get mad at. i can judge it. but when someone else says something it makes me soo upset. i get defensive..

it's weird.
and now, i don't know what to do
i might go hide all the bobby pins.
apparently, that's my sister's choice of weapon. peel off the plastic tips and scratch away.

this sucks, and i don't need this now.
it's reading week.
and i have midterms coming up.
its selfish to say.
but, i would like to get away.

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